I think my vagina is haunted
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
