I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
