Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
