I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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