12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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