I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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