I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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