Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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