Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
