He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
