I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so let's talk penis.
My pussy is not your playground.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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