Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
