the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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