sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
