Welp...herpes.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
