I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
