i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just invented taco cereal.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
