Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
