The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
