if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
