The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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