Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
