I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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