on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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