she looked like the bat from fern gully.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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