It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
