look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
