I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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