Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
