The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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