he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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