I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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