Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
