On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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