It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
