HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Randomize
