why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
