I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
