Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
