I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
