someone threw a dead crab at me
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
