i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
