I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
