at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
