So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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