My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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