I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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