i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
