so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
