Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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