so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
